It is important to be, not to have
I came to the “Fasting, prayer and silence” seminar with hope. I came empty, no longer feeling close to God as if I
had lost myself. My prayer had become very formal, and attending Mass had turned into a habit. And it is very
frightening! I have lived in Medjugorje for some time but lately I have not felt at peace. I have a husband,
everything is fine and I am truly happy in some areas of my life but I have lost my peace. I noticed that a lot of my
strength and energy had been spent searching for myself and because of that I had become very cold and dry. I
came to fill my spirit, soul and body. I am aware that my spirit can be filled only through the Holy Mass,
Adoration and sincere prayer with the heart.
At the seminar I realised that I truly need so little indeed; that much water and bread are sufficient for me here.
There is much of God here. Everything breathes with Him here! I have noticed that God speaks to me very often
through the daily Liturgical readings. On Monday, the first day of the seminar, at Mass I opened reading and read
the words: “So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh”. These words struck
me straight to my heart. And then: “If you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to
death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received
brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry: “Abba, Father!”. These words touched me deeply.
And then psalm: “May God arise, may his enemies be scattered; may his foes flee before him. May the righteous
be glad and rejoice before God”. And right there – the reading from the Gospel about how Jesus cured a woman
who had been crippled for eighteen years and could not stand up straight. Jesus saw and called her over and said:
“Woman, you are free from your infirmity”. He laid His hands on her and she immediately stood up straight and
praised God.
I felt truly like a woman who had just stood up straight. But that was not all. The next day we heard during the
reading: “You are no longer strangers and aliens, but are instead fellow citizens with the saints”. And again the
Gospel reading: “Jesus preached and there was a great crowd of people from the sea coast of Tyre and Sidon, who
came to hear Him and be healed of their diseases, including those who were vexed by unclean spirits. And they were
healed. And the people all tried to touch Him, because power was coming from Him and healing them all”.
The fact that I may touch Jesus, may touch Him during Adoration, may come to Him and listen to Him and may be healed –
was so profound for me.
On the third day I began to have doubts. The inner fight came up within me. On that very day there was a reading: “The
Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for
us through wordless groans”. And then: “And those whom He called, He also justified”. And we heard from the Gospel:
“Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able
to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading: “Sir,
open the door for us”. But he will answer: “I don’t know you or where you come from”. It hurt me very much.
I began to recall my mistakes from the past, there were different thoughts in my mind that perhaps one day Jesus
will say that He doesn’t know me… I walked with that pain in my heart all day long.
Then I began to pray with my heart: “I don’t feel Your presence, Lord. I don’t want to live only by emotions but I
want to experience You. I want to be close to You even when I don’t feel You”. My soul simply cried out to God.
I intentionally did not sign up for the night Adoration saying: “ My God, I desire You Yourself to wake me up if
You want me to come to You”. Every day I woke up at 3 a.m., at 3:15 or 3:20 and He was calling me to be with
Him. That was a profound experience for me. I realized that Jesus desires to see me and wants me to come to Him
and prepares this very time for us.
Next day when I once again faced the fear of not entering the Kingdom of God I went to Confession. There I heard
once more: “I love you. You are My beloved one”. Those words touched me as if I heard them for the very first
time. As if I heard for the first time again: “You are beloved one”.
On Thursday there was a reading: “If God is for us, who can be against us? He Who did not spare His own Son,
but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?”. I
comprehended that all accusations are not from God. For we overcome everything thanks to the One Who has
loved us.
Neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither things present nor things to come – nothing will
separate us from God’s love. I felt how Jesus was healing my heart. That day we read the psalm: “Save me, for I
am poor and needy”. My heart cried out: “Help me, my God!”. It is written in the Holy Scripture: “Behold, I cast
out demons and perform cures today and tomorrow”.
During the night Adoration I experienced an incredible closeness to Jesus. I felt Him gazing at me and I strived to
be with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane and share in His sufferings. My heart longed to be with Him even
though my body was weak and my spirit was strong.
On Friday I was moved by the words of the psalm: “He makes peace in your borders, He fills you with the finest
of the wheat”. The Gospel says that Jesus cured a man who had had dropsy. He simply touched him, cured and
sent him on his way. I also felt how He was touching me, healing me and dismissing me. I was deeply moved by
the words of the priest at the lecture. I felt as if I were simply sitting at the Jesus’s feet listening to Him. He spoke
about simple things but at the same time they were so profound that I could not grasp them. It needed to be
experienced with the heart.
Fasting became a great blessing for me. It was easy to fast for me because the house we dwelled in was filled with
the spirit of prayer and silence. I realized that it is important to be, not to have.
Fasting helped me to see things from a different perspective. As the priest said: “Fasting restores your
relationships with God then with yourself and then with the neighbors”. I truly felt that during fasting heaven
opens. I have learnt not to seek easy way because doing so I rejected my cross and along with it the healing that
God wants to give me.
Yuliia
(Medjugorje)